All Things Koko

Have you ever wondered what makes Kori tick? And what exactly is going on inside that crazy head of hers, under what used to be an epic jew-fro? Well, I may not have ALL the answers but on behalf of her 23rd birthday, here is a start:994937_2764346912628_1488624030_n

  • There was a dog, his name was Brutis, until one day that little fudge face sat on his back and took him for a ride. Koko might have been small but Brutis just couldn’t hold the weight and Kori went toppling off.
  • After Brutis kicked Kori off, she proceeded to slam his head in the door.
  • Underneath all the chemicals and hair ironing, Kori has the MOST EPIC JEW FRO KNOWN TO MAN.
  • Her full name is Kornelious Fudge-Face Hannah SnairBear.
  • She is secretly part Mexican which is why she loves the FAJITAS!
  • Her favorite song is ‘Nuggets, Nuggets, Unit A. Stick with us and you’ll go cray. Nom, Nom, Nom, Boom, Boom, pow ..’
  • Mr. and Mrs. Snair wanted a third child so badly, after they had Kori, they couldn’t bare the thought to have another. She was just TOO MUCH to handle.
  • She frequents ColdStone so often, they named a creation after her.
  • Kori has these HUGE calf muscles that look like tumors because she is a Lax Bro.
  • Bedtime isn’t bedtime unless Kori has already eaten a quart of ice cream and suffered through multiple brain freezes.
  • At night she cuddles with a little bear named ‘Champ’. Before bed she has to tuck him in and sing to him. ‘Me and my teddy, getting all ready, getting all ready for bed.’
  • Her favorite color is yellow, and she is BANANAS. Kori is ape-shit crazy!! That is why her favorite thing to be called is .. KOKO NANNERS!!
  • She can’t drink a beverage unless it is being sold in a children’s cup. She owns over 100 from Glory Days and Red Robin.
  • If it is not chicken, she will not consume it. Her biggest fear is Mad Cow disease. Kori has not had red meat since ‘nam.
  • One time she chased down the Cookie Monster in the streets of NYC so she could get a photograph. She just needs one of her and Big Bird and then her collection of photos with the characters of Sesame Street is complete.
  • The uniform of choice is: skinny jeans, a hanes white v-neck and a scarf from baby GAP with some Uggs.
  • Did you have a magnet on your car and now it’s missing? Koko’s favorite item to collect is car magnets. CURRENTLY SHE IS ON THE PROWL FOR A TYE-DYE PEACE SIGN.
  • On Kori’s bucket list, she really wants to pee outside. When she accomplished this feat, she wiped with a single blade of grass.
  • If Kori is MIA, she could probably be found in the nearest bathroom. She is always peeing from drinking RedBull, her beverage of choice.
  • When Kornelious does produce offspring, she wants to have 10 children. 10 little babies that run around and play in the mud, just like her.
  • Ever notice that no matter what day or time it is, Kori is doing laundry? That is because every hour, on the hour Kori likes to change her shirt.
  • She is allergic to Doritos because they make her give off a funky odor.
  • The best part of waking up, is some pulp-free OJ in her cup!
  • Never use the pink blanket in her apartment. After downing a nice glass of OJ, KoKo likes to use the pink blanket as a napkin which lead to many crusties over time.

Note: Not all of these facts are true but they are based on real life events.

Happy birthday Kori!

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