All Things Koko

Have you ever wondered what makes Kori tick? And what exactly is going on inside that crazy head of hers, under what used to be an epic jew-fro? Well, I may not have ALL the answers but on behalf of her 23rd birthday, here is a start:994937_2764346912628_1488624030_n

  • There was a dog, his name was Brutis, until one day that little fudge face sat on his back and took him for a ride. Koko might have been small but Brutis just couldn’t hold the weight and Kori went toppling off.
  • After Brutis kicked Kori off, she proceeded to slam his head in the door.
  • Underneath all the chemicals and hair ironing, Kori has the MOST EPIC JEW FRO KNOWN TO MAN.
  • Her full name is Kornelious Fudge-Face Hannah SnairBear.
  • She is secretly part Mexican which is why she loves the FAJITAS!
  • Her favorite song is ‘Nuggets, Nuggets, Unit A. Stick with us and you’ll go cray. Nom, Nom, Nom, Boom, Boom, pow ..’
  • Mr. and Mrs. Snair wanted a third child so badly, after they had Kori, they couldn’t bare the thought to have another. She was just TOO MUCH to handle.
  • She frequents ColdStone so often, they named a creation after her.
  • Kori has these HUGE calf muscles that look like tumors because she is a Lax Bro.
  • Bedtime isn’t bedtime unless Kori has already eaten a quart of ice cream and suffered through multiple brain freezes.
  • At night she cuddles with a little bear named ‘Champ’. Before bed she has to tuck him in and sing to him. ‘Me and my teddy, getting all ready, getting all ready for bed.’
  • Her favorite color is yellow, and she is BANANAS. Kori is ape-shit crazy!! That is why her favorite thing to be called is .. KOKO NANNERS!!
  • She can’t drink a beverage unless it is being sold in a children’s cup. She owns over 100 from Glory Days and Red Robin.
  • If it is not chicken, she will not consume it. Her biggest fear is Mad Cow disease. Kori has not had red meat since ‘nam.
  • One time she chased down the Cookie Monster in the streets of NYC so she could get a photograph. She just needs one of her and Big Bird and then her collection of photos with the characters of Sesame Street is complete.
  • The uniform of choice is: skinny jeans, a hanes white v-neck and a scarf from baby GAP with some Uggs.
  • Did you have a magnet on your car and now it’s missing? Koko’s favorite item to collect is car magnets. CURRENTLY SHE IS ON THE PROWL FOR A TYE-DYE PEACE SIGN.
  • On Kori’s bucket list, she really wants to pee outside. When she accomplished this feat, she wiped with a single blade of grass.
  • If Kori is MIA, she could probably be found in the nearest bathroom. She is always peeing from drinking RedBull, her beverage of choice.
  • When Kornelious does produce offspring, she wants to have 10 children. 10 little babies that run around and play in the mud, just like her.
  • Ever notice that no matter what day or time it is, Kori is doing laundry? That is because every hour, on the hour Kori likes to change her shirt.
  • She is allergic to Doritos because they make her give off a funky odor.
  • The best part of waking up, is some pulp-free OJ in her cup!
  • Never use the pink blanket in her apartment. After downing a nice glass of OJ, KoKo likes to use the pink blanket as a napkin which lead to many crusties over time.

Note: Not all of these facts are true but they are based on real life events.

Happy birthday Kori!

For more of my deep thoughts and witticisms, follow me on Twitter or Facebook.

22 Things You Should Know About Me Before Dating Me:

  1. I am such a dork, my interests are dorky and I don’t try to hide it.
  2. My weird interests include: photographing bridges, hanging out at farmers markets and going antiquing. I am an old lady at heart. I will want to share these interests with you but understand that you probably won’t enjoy it.
  3. “Relationships dont always make sense. Especia...Technology excites me to no end. A new piece of hardware or software, and you’ve lost me for a few hours.
  4. I don’t connect well with people around me. I have trouble forming relationships with ordinary people, but if I think you’re worth it, then I will put in the effort and pray that you like me back.
  5. I don’t like being touched because I’m self-conscious, but if you can get me past that, then I will love your touch.
  6. I like even numbers because when there is an odd number I fear that I will be the one left out.
  7. Brunch is my favorite meal, I would LOVE to get brunch with you.
  8. I get overwhelmed easily, sometimes by simple tasks like buying a birthday present or taking my car into the shop.
  9. I read a lot, and I’m going to want to share every article I read.
  10. When something’s bothering me, I try to hold it in and just ‘deal’ for a while.
  11. I can be very immature, I don’t try to hide it.
  12. I think I am smarter than I am, sometimes it comes off as arrogance, that is not my intent. I just want you to think highly of me.
  13. I wake up early, if you’re next to me, I am going to want to wake you too.
  14. I don’t offend easily, therefore sometimes I say offensive things and wonder why you’re offended.
  15. I think I am hysterical, in reality I am not funny at all.
  16. If you do something that I think is cute or funny, I will ask you to do it again, in that instant.
  17. I like weird, being normal isn’t any fun.
  18. I sing in the shower, and not just popular songs on the radio, usually they are songs that I make up.
  19. I have a lot to say; once you get me to open up, I WILL NOT SHUT UP.
  20. I really hate lemons, please do not come anywhere near my beverage with lemons. I mean it. If I am given an unwanted lemon in my beverage in a restaurant, I will throw it on the floor, even though I know it is highly inappropriate.
  21. My favorite word is hater, my favorite phrase is ‘haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate.’ I will keep trying to make this happen like Gretchen Weiners tried to make ‘fetch’ happen.
  22. I love sushi, I could eat it seven days a week. However I only like one type of sushi, I’m not much for variety.

For more of my deep thoughts and witticisms, follow me on Twitter or Facebook

Texts I’d Send If I Was An Honest Person

Weird and Random Text Message

(Photo credit: Dave Schumaker)

Sometimes, I don’t say exactly what I’m thinking because my mom told me to be a nice person. But if she hadn’t these are some examples of the brutal honesty you could expect from me:

  • Are you a moron?
  • Why are you talking to me like I’m google?
  • I am smarter than you.
  • Talking to you is less interesting than watching grass grow.
  • It’s THEN not THAN. That’s something you learn in first grade.
  • I hate your shoes.
  • At lunch when you ordered fries, I was thinking about how you should stay away from the fries.
  • Come with me to the gym? This is more of a demand than a question because some exercise would be a good idea for you.
  • I hate your girlfriend.
  • I say ‘k’ so you stop talking, not to continue the conversation.
  • I hate your boyfriend.
  • You actually look nothing like your ‘celeb doppelganger’ but nice try.
  • Seriously, learn the difference between you’re and your.
  • Stop telling me that you’re crying, it makes me uncomfortable.
  • You are a hot mess.
  • I saw you pick your nose before.
  • #HASHTAGSDONTWORKTHROUGHTEXT
  • I figured you would flake tonight, you usually do.
  • I really don’t care about your pet.
  • I hate when you invite her to hang out with us, she’s really annoying.
  • Stop digging for compliments, when you deserve them I’ll compliment you.
  • Don’t lie to me, you know that from stalking my facebook.
  • Stop talking like you’re from the Sopranos, to be clear, you’re not.
  • I’m not a doctor, nor am I webMD. Please stop sending pictures and texts about your health problems.
  • It’s annoying how cocky you are, no one thinks you’re that great.
  • I really hate giving you advice, please accept this ‘k’ as a peace offering.

Usher’s Lyrics Sound Like Drunk Texts

English: Usher performing at The Warfield in S...

English: Usher performing at The Warfield in San Francisco, November 2008 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

‘And I was like Yeah, Yeah, Yeah..’

‘You make want to say, Oh Oh,oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.’

Is this a drunk text you sent last week? Or lyrics to Usher’s songs? I honestly think Usher goes to the club, has a few drinks, sends a few texts then goes into the recording studio and turns it into a song.

Somehow his fans enjoy the drunken ramblings. Yes there is a catchy beat but the lyrics are missing something — like creativity.

If all it took to make music was a catchy beat and 10 words that constantly repeat then everyone would be famous after downloading random beats off the internet.

For more of my deep thoughts and witticisms, follow me on Twitter or Facebook

I Was A Bear

I was a bear for a while. I wanted to know what hibernation was like and lost track of time. I may have born and raised a pair of cubs, but my memory is hazy and it’s too problematic to think about for extended periods.

Sun Bear in captivity at the Columbus Zoo, Pow...

Sun Bear at the Columbus Zoo, Powell Ohio (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One day I would love to hibernate again and see my cubs. It was a great nights sleep and I was cute and cuddly (in a ferocious kind of way). Fortunately I have transitioned back to being a human again. I love having opposable  thumbs.

 

Reasons I May Defriend You on Facebook

facebook

facebook (Photo credit: sitmonkeysupreme)

1. I don’t actually know you. For some reason we have never met but somehow became friends. This must have been back when I was young and naïve, unfamiliar with the point of Facebook.

2. We met that one time maybe 5+ years ago and I have no desire to keep in touch. Also, I’ll probably never see you again.

3. You update your Facebook status A LOT. The updates aren’t interesting or insightful, they’re statuses about the games you’re playing. Sorry but I am not interested.

4. You post pictures of your meals. I understand if it’s occasionally, or you ordered something awesome. Or even if it’s something you made but there is something unique or exciting about it. But no one wants to see that Eggo waffle you ate. Toasted to perfection or not, there’s nothing exciting about it.

5. #toomanyhashtags. Sometimes it can be a little fun or witty. Usually, it looks like you’re a moron. Especially when you attend a conference or special event and are tagging along with your Twitter using peers. #hashtagsdonothingonfacebook Continue reading

Kony 2012, One Year Later

¿Quien es Joseph Kony?

Who is Joseph Kony? (Photo credit: Jennol)

One year ago today, Invisible Children launched a short film online [viewable here] to stop Joseph Kony, the Ugandan LRA leader. Over the last year, the YouTube version of the film has been viewed more than 96 million times. On Vimeo, the film’s original host, it has been viewed 18.4 million times.

A year ago when the video was released I wrote something calling into question the ‘activists’ that are interested in bringing Kony down. I put activists in quotation marks because, what exactly did they do? For about a month my social networks were filled with phrases like “Stop Kony” or “Make Kony Famous” but when the hype from the video died down, so did the ‘activists’ or slacktivists as they should be more appropriately called. Continue reading